me = disappointment

I am a big disappointment. To my family, and friends and most of all to myself. Throughout this year there were so many happenings that I wish I did not do, or have in fact done differently, and even though I believe that everything happens for a reason, I wished I knew why this bad happenings kept occurring. No doubt there are happy moments, many might I add, and some that I have never dreamt would happen to a loser like me, but they did and I am thankful for that. Thankful for the happy moments, those sweet memories that will always be in my heart, but it saddens me to think that I have failed so many, especially to myself. How I wish I could turn back the clock, played differently, placed it properly, say different words, wrote different messages, so that you would not have interpret what I only meant as good hearted (jokes or not), to clear the misunderstanding that you misinterpreted. But all of these are just wishes, something that can't be changed but oh how I wish they could be. If only I could, turn back the time and did not panic, I know I could be so much better than what I was, I really could. The disappointment in me at myself just goes way over the top and I really really wished that things were done differently. I am a fool, yes a big one. Then how I wished I never wrote that, never said that to have made things go from so right to so wrong. Why did I have to do that and ruin our reputation? How come it feels as if history is repeating itself, and I really wish that that did not have to happen. There's also the time when I wished I paid more attention to that and put it away properly and safely so it wouldn't have to come to this day whereby I had to dream of the possibilities that I may have had. I was given a responsibility, and the amount of money spent may not be much to some but is still in fact money to us, and for me to lose it it is like saying that I am not responsible enough to take care of my belongings and this has made me feel such a failure to myself and to my family. However much I may wish, these things can't be done again, I just have to move on and pray that the journey that continues proves to be a much better and 'safer' journey for me =)