There's something inside that I can't explain

I smile a lot these days, not because of happiness.
It is to hide it all inside. I may look fine, but I'm not. I'm being torn apart inside, something that I can't explain to anyone the feeling. Something I never wished to happen.
Something that I thought had become a past and would I would never feel again.
Only this time, it's much much much worst.
I never wanted to tell you what I really felt,
for fear of losing you. And in the end it wasn't because of the thing I wanted to say,
But another lame thing that has caused us to be that way.
You don't know what's it like for me to smile and act like everything is ok.
When inside it's tearing me apart like crazy.
My face it wet, I in think mode, and maybe some will think that I am over thinking this,
But how can you know what it is I feel, when you do not know what's happening now, and how much the past has affected me.
There's this unsettling feeling that something is not right. Even if I try to make it seem so.
Things are so different now, and I fear that it was my fault.
I never wanted things to be like this, and that's why I've always kept this secret in my heart.
No matter how strongly I feel the need to tell you, and to share with you my little secret,
I always think of the "what ifs" and the "what if we can never be friends again"
That trauma of what can happen stops me from doing the thing that I should do to be able to move on if feelings were not reciprocated.
But surprisingly, it is not of these words that have made us grow apart, it was because of stupid things.
Stupid things that I wished never happened
Stupid things I wish I can take it all back
I can only dream of you and think of you and imagine that things have never changed.
But if you were to ask me how does the pain feel like, or what is it that I am experiencing, then no, I can't explain to you at all how it feels, all I know that it's really aching and that I can't do anything about it.